I’m not eating clean this week. In fact, I’m barely eating at all. I’m eating, just not like usual. I woke up Thursday with a sinus infection, along with laryngitis. I felt like crap, and quite honestly, the thing that’s keeping me going more than anything is a large cup of diluted juice.

Yesterday I had some egg whites, and picked at a little bit of chicken my husband cooked up. I also had a bowl of fat free, no sugar added ice cream. The cold felt good on my throat. I tried my smoothie this morning, but things taste funny right now. We cut up some cantaloupe (my favorite), but it tastes weird thanks to my cold. :\ Everytime I eat, I end up coughing anyway, so I’d rather just drink my juice.

Of course, I’m one of those people who has to watch my sugars. I’m taking medication, and what’s interesting is how much of it has sugar in it. There’s a diabetic aisle in some stores now which have sugar free medicine. I haven’t visited it yet. I want my damn Nyquil, ya know? (and Dayquil for that matter)

I’m hoping I only have 2 more days of this yuck until I’m back to normal. Blah…

My trainer is on vaca this week, and I told her I’d sweat 2x while she was gone. Do hot flashes count? I was hot flashing like crazy last night? You’d have sworn it was a fever the way I was sweating, but alas, I knew the difference, it was a hot flash.

I need this to hurry and go away, so I can hit my treadmill or cut the grass or do something before she comes back. I can’t do it sick, but as soon as I’m feeling like myself, I’m going to get moving. The problem is I moved TOO much yesterday, and my husband scolded me, and told me to sit still or go lie down. I wasn’t doing either of us any favors.

I went back to the gym this week twice. After working out and getting my eating back on track after vacation, everything felt right. Okay, I’m ready to go, I am back out of vacation mode, and I actually felt pretty good working out. Sure, I’m a little sore, but I felt refreshed. It was all good…

…I got my bloodwork results in the mail on Saturday. The stopped me dead in my tracks…my numbers continue to climb and go up, not down. I compared my A1C results, along with my cholesterol and other stuff, and everything is creeping higher. What the hell is wrong with my body? Why won’t my body respond to diet and exercise like everyone else?

I.WANT.TO.QUIT….but I won’t. Not yet…it’s not time. It may be time somewhere later, but not today. The things that I’m doing are right. I know that, they are healthy choices…but I don’t understand what is blocking my way. I just don’t get it…and it frustrates me so much.

Yeah, I guess it’s time to snap back to reality. I vacationed, and I vacationed hard. That’s right, sugar was my friend, I lazed around and I’ll pay for it.

I did work in a few walks, and don’t let it be said walking on sand is an easy task! We did some beach walking, and took a couple walks on pavement also….but it wasn’t enough to burn off the extra calories. It was after dinners usually, so you didn’t have that “UGH” bloated feeling!

I had fried food. I had sugar…and I’m in mourning, realizing it’s back to reality. It’s okay, it’s better for me to eat right…I’ll appreciate it again once I get in pattern.

Back to the trainer on Wednesday, and back to healthier choices.

It was fun while it lasted; I’m not going to lie!

I lost an inch in my waist, got a massage today, and leave for vacation tomorrow.

Life is good..it sucked, but then it got better. It always does.

See you in a few days.

Here I am…seventh inning stretch….those last miles of a marathon, and that big arse brick wall sits in front of me. While technically, I’m not that close to my ending, this is the point where a big brick wall dropped down in front of me. It’s going to take a lot to get through it….

Let me explain!

I’ve been going to the gym and working out. I love my trainer, and I love how hard I’ve been working. I’m proud of myself. I’ve been eating so well, I almost don’t recognize myself. This has been happening for months…

…but I’m feeling stagnant. I just started some meds that should help my body kick it into gear. Here it is, summer on us, and I’m putting on shorts again. I’m realizing, I’m still the exact same clothing size, almost 9 months later. What the hell is the point of working so hard, if I can’t lose weight.

I’ve eaten what I wanted, done what I wanted and stayed the same size. Why do I have to work so hard, to just be the same size? It’s not fair…and I’m frustrated.

Work really hard, pay lots of money, bust my ass…see no change. OR….do what the hell I want, and stay the same. See what I’m saying?

Look, I know it’s a personal struggle, and I have to hang in there. I have to climb that wall, and realize that my health is better, whether my hips look better or my stomach changes right now.

It’s a frustrating place to be. I want to keep moving forward, but technically, I’m making as hard on myself as I possibly can. I am resisting every step of the way this past few weeks. I need to just let go, get to my appointments and take one day at a time.

I’m a small child in a woman’s body saying “I DON’T WANT TO!”

I started to climb that brick wall once before…but I slid back down. I’m going to start the climb again. I want to reach my goal and get to the end of this journey. I at least want to get a little closer to my goal…it’s just so damn frustrating, and I don’t understand why my body refuses to cooperate.

There was a town wide yard sale yesterday, and we joined in. We ended up raising not quite $200, but every penny is a victory, since the money is being donated to Breast Cancer research.  I had on my Avon Walk (walking in October) shirt and hat, along with a walk-a-thon poster and donation bucket.

I started my day with my regular smoothie, and knew I’d have to keep an eye on eating again during the middle of it. I went 5 hours, which isn’t too bad, though I should be at about 3-4 hours for eating. I came in and made some egg whites with a piece of healthy multi-grain toast (dry). Hubby was able to stand out if people came by.

I felt good about what I was doing, and am glad the proceeds are going to charity. What I didn’t feel good about was how I looked in my shirt. It’s not the most flattering shirt on me, but I wore it anyway. I smiled, and looked fat, but I still smiled. I always look fat, don’t get me wrong….I didn’t lose 100 pounds overnight, but some things are a little more flattering.

I was glad when we went out a little later that evening, that I had switched to a more flattering outfit.

It’s interesting that you carry yourself completely different when you like how you look. I felt stylish, comfortable and happy. I smiled this time too, but I think I stood a little differently, and I wasn’t berating myself inside.

Wearing something that makes you feel good really does make you feel better. While I wore the t-shirt with pride, I didn’t feel internal pride as to my appearance. It’s okay..I’m a grown-up, and I handled it….one day I’ll like how I look in a boxy cut t-shirt, but until then, I’ll mostly pass on those.

After my trainer and dietitian helped me track down my insulin resistance problem, I went to the doctor and have just started on medication to help me straighten that out. I’m hoping it helps my body regulate itself better, and maybe I’ll start losing some weight. I’ll be continuing my workouts and clean eating.

I will admit that I’ve had a small rough patch this past week. I’m struggling with my body. It’s hard to look in the mirror, and after all the work I’ve put in, well…clothes aren’t looser, and my body is still big…but we may have found a reason my body has been stuck.

Mentally, emotionally…I’ve changed a great deal. There are rewards there that I can’t describe well enough. It’s been a great lifestyle change for me….but like everyone in life, I have my ups and downs, and in those moments where I’m feeling sorry for myself, I start to say “Forget this” and just want to do what I want. It’s not an answer, and luckily, I’ve caught myself before spiraling out of control.

I’m hoping the medication is a step in the right direction. Thanks to Danielle for helping me discover this issue. She goes above and beyond what is expected, and I’m so grateful we’ve been working together.

I went to Longwood Gardens yesterday. It’s a beautiful property with gardens, trees, fountains and more. It’s a great place to visit when the weather is nice, and we ended up walking around for about 2 hours yesterday. I was having a really nice time, walking hand in hand with my husband, talking, laughing and enjoying the sites.

I went in to use the ladies room, and as I was walking to the sink to wash my hands, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Holy cow, you’re fat! It was like some secret that was let out in front of hundreds of people. I stood there ashamed that I looked this way.

No fair, I’ve been working out for months on end, and my body isn’t changing. This is no secret, I’m aware of this, and we’re trying to fix the situation. In fact, I have an appointment today with my doctor to discuss insulin resistance.

At THAT MOMENT, I stood horrified. Is this what I’ve looked like walking around all day. The smile slid off my face, and I wanted to cry. I’m still so fat…I don’t want to be fat.

I had to make a decision…let this moment change my mood, or go back to having a good time. I chose having a good time. It’s a step in the right direction. Often times, I let my entire mood change, but I was winning this time. I said, “it is what it is”, and after washing up, went back out to hold my husband’s hand, walk in the sunshine and visit the gorgeous flower beds and fountains.

That’s what I feel like saying a lot this week. I’m struggling to stay in my right mind. I’ve been doing so well for so long with what I eat, and I’m hitting a wall since the results are so slow to come. My brain says, I want a break. I want to just not care, not think about every single thing I put into my mouth.

Mostly, it has become a habit to eat well now, and I do automatically make good choices. It’s just, well…old habits want to creep back in. My brain is shouting, “No FAIR!”

Sadly, my “I want it” brain is wrong at this time, and my common sense has to step in.

I hate when I get in these moments…I’m frustrated, overwhelmed and depressed about eating, losing weight and so forth. It’s been a long road, but my walk isn’t over yet. I’ve still got a very long way to go. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other right now, and look at today, maybe tomorrow….after that, it’s all too far away.

When I used to order a salad, it was a chef’s salad or something laden with fat. I’d choose cheese and meats, and load on Thousand Island dressing. It was never “healthy”, even though in my brain, I felt good because I had a salad for lunch. Of course, my salad crammed more calories in it than a Big Mac.

These days, my salads look a little differently.

I made a salad last night, and it really caught me how much my eating style has changed. In my last night’s salad, I had:

Iceberg, Romaine, Baby Arugala, Baby Spinach lettuces

Carrots

Apple

Red Onion

Egg Whites

…and only used Balsamic Vinegar.